Last night Roger and I went on a walk after dinner. Sounds fun, right? It was....until Roger decided to utilize a five finger discount and snag himself some carpets. Behold the act as it unfolds:
Super dodgy right, because you are all reading my blog I will draft you into my side of the argument. Thank you for your support, I'm glad it's completely voluntary (or not). Lets start at the very beginning, because according to my girl Julie Andrews, this is a very good place to start (Sound of Music anyone?) Behold the carpet in it's original habitat.
Looks super sanitary, right? False. This my friend, is where bed bugs breed. That itch you feel on your skin? SELF PRESERVATION. Roger is a teacher and in need of carpet for his new classroom, everyone remembering grade school story-time fondly? Good. Bet you $10 your teacher did not jack those homey rugs from an alleyway the way my crazy boyfriend did. Without a second thought he grabbed those carpets and began to pull them from their grimy surroundings, I start flashing back to every bedbug story I've ever heard. I will not lie to you internet, it is at this point I start to lose my cool. In my head I see hoards of bed bugs, a gosh darn invasion overtaking our apartment. Just like in the Velveteen Rabbit we will be forced to throw all of our things into some sort of sick funeral pyre. Goodbye cute shoes, goodbye white noise machine, goodbye everything. I can't standby and let this happen! There is noooooo way I am about to allow those carpets in my apartment! Roger, on the other hand, is not dissuaded. He assures me he will put them in our basement storage unit. I know better, there is no way these carpets will fit down there....He is a liar. Roger. Read this. You Lie.
He continues dragging the carpets out of the alley, I start to notice the questionable stains marring the white rug. Oh good lord, who knows how many people had sex on this carpet? Even worse someone could have died on this carpet! Oh good gravy by touching these carpets we are contaminating a murder scene!! We argue about the carpets fate for the next two blocks, all the while Roger carries the two heavy carpets. I am admittedly not much help, A. I have noddles for arms, carrying heavy items it's just not one of my skills. It's the sad truth. B. I DON'T WANT THE BED BUGS TO GET ON ME.
They jump ya' know (Please note, I don't know if this is fact or my own crazy leaking through), if I get too close to Roger and the carpets I'm done for.
Thankfully blocks later he comes to his senses and discards the rugs. It's too hot to carry such heavy (sick nasty) carpets for the remainder of our fifteen minute walk. Say it with me all, VICTORY. All is not well though, still the threat of bed bugs lingered, after all he was all up in their grill - I hose him down with purell and walk an arm distance away so the bed bugs don't jump on me. No bed bugs for this lady, thank you very much.
